Today I made a startling revelation about myself. Ok, so it's something I have been aware of and even flirted with the idea of thinking about, but until today I had done my best to avoid it.
Today, for the first time in my life I realized that there is someone that I just don't want to make eye contact with, for any reason. Now if you don't know me as well as I like to assume you do this is a big deal. I have a habit of letting my mind wander, but when I make eye contact with a person it helps me guarantee that I will not only hear, but listen to what they are saying, so I make lots of eye contact. Plus, most people squirm when you look them in the eyes which is always interesting, and it just generally respectful.
All of these reasons are important. The person in question is someone I have spent a decent amount of time with in the last few months, and today during an awkward moment of silence, and equally awkward conversation was started. As the conversation began to fall back into the silent version of awkward, to avoid this I started telling a pointless but relevant story. While I was speaking I realized that I was looking everywhere but at the person I was talking to, so I turned my head enough to make eye contact but quickly realized that I had spent only a fraction of the moment making eye contact before focusing my gaze out the window.
Frankly, I was a bit appalled and definitely shocked by my subconscious desire to avoid eye contact at all costs. But, as the matter was quickly implanting itself on my consciousness, I tried again with a bit more success, still it was a hardly noticeable gaze and definitely not eye contact.
I quickly finished my story so that I could retreat into my own head and think things through.
I decided that while there are several reasons why it makes me so uncomfortable to make eye contact with this person, one reason seems mostly to blame. . .
Said person reminds me, quite a bit of me, but in all the ways that I wish they didn't.
-This person is awkward, but not shy in anyway, often making me feel embarrassed for them as they don't seem to notice when they say something a bit out of line or inappropriate to the situation.
-This person also happens to be a writer, and because of their above mentioned non shyness, I have watched them apply for various writing related things, and receive horribly disheartening rejection letters that tell them to look into a different career path in so many words.
-This person seems to be wasting away their time in Paris, only thinking (and complaining) about how long it is until they get to return to their significant (if it is possible for a 19 year old to comprehend significant) other. There are no adventures, no making the best.
-I often wish I was a bit bolder, especially in social situations involving strangers that, quiet honestly, often leave me so mentally exhausted all I want to do is sleep for several days.
-I write quite a bit, but I share very little of my writing, specifically because I am not certain I would survive the heartbreak of letters like she has received. (I don't even update my blogs, despite the fact that I regularly write posts for them).
-I will not lie, I often spend hours shut away by myself, no matter where I am wishing that I were somewhere else, or at least with different people. I can sit like this for half a day at times, but when I pull myself out of this mood I write. (This is why my homework hardly ever gets done until the last possible moment).
Now, I also have it on good faith that this person writes "cheesy" love things filled to the brim with clichés (because I heard them admit it to their mother, I have not actually read any of their works), and I mean I love a good T-Swift love song as much as the next girl, but I often find myself feeling that her bold ability to send of her work to be criticized is wasted on a person who may not have any actual talent.
Then I feel like a horrible person.
Who is to say that I, for example, have more talent than she does?
I preach the values of being humble but once again I will not lie, I spend so much time imagining that I am "the shit" (aka really awesome/great) that sometimes I let myself believe it, especially if doing so allows me to differentiate between myself and another.
So all of this seems to me to be the reason why I just can't seem to make eye contact with this one person. I love looking into another persons eyes, I find that their reaction says a lot about them, but as I continue to over analyze this whole situation, I guess it is my reaction that speaks the loudest.
Today I learned that even me, with my sense of justice, equality, and general moral values, can be a total arrogant ass at times. Interesting. . .
