Life is a fickle thing.
It often seems that I go through life waiting for those aha moments when I suddenly think that I have it figured out, that life is easy if only you live it. But it never takes long for the aha to be replaced with the ohh, and for life to suddenly seem like the most complicated thing in existence, because it is.
Scientists can explain gravity, can look at objects millions of miles away, but they can't explain life. They can't write in a book why things are how they are, why one life can be so completely different from another, or why the same event occurring in two lives can have such profoundly different effects. They can write theorems all day about philosophy or math, but they can't write a single all encompassing theorem about life, even in its most general sense.
That is an intimidating thought. How am I supposed to know what I want from life, to do with life, if I'm not even certain what life is, what it means to be alive? Moments happen, and they inspire you to do things, great things, but then the moment passes and so too it seems the aha moment that gives courage to actions passes with it.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
You learn something new everyday
Today I made a startling revelation about myself. Ok, so it's something I have been aware of and even flirted with the idea of thinking about, but until today I had done my best to avoid it.
Today, for the first time in my life I realized that there is someone that I just don't want to make eye contact with, for any reason. Now if you don't know me as well as I like to assume you do this is a big deal. I have a habit of letting my mind wander, but when I make eye contact with a person it helps me guarantee that I will not only hear, but listen to what they are saying, so I make lots of eye contact. Plus, most people squirm when you look them in the eyes which is always interesting, and it just generally respectful.
All of these reasons are important. The person in question is someone I have spent a decent amount of time with in the last few months, and today during an awkward moment of silence, and equally awkward conversation was started. As the conversation began to fall back into the silent version of awkward, to avoid this I started telling a pointless but relevant story. While I was speaking I realized that I was looking everywhere but at the person I was talking to, so I turned my head enough to make eye contact but quickly realized that I had spent only a fraction of the moment making eye contact before focusing my gaze out the window.
Frankly, I was a bit appalled and definitely shocked by my subconscious desire to avoid eye contact at all costs. But, as the matter was quickly implanting itself on my consciousness, I tried again with a bit more success, still it was a hardly noticeable gaze and definitely not eye contact.
I quickly finished my story so that I could retreat into my own head and think things through.
I decided that while there are several reasons why it makes me so uncomfortable to make eye contact with this person, one reason seems mostly to blame. . .
Said person reminds me, quite a bit of me, but in all the ways that I wish they didn't.
-This person is awkward, but not shy in anyway, often making me feel embarrassed for them as they don't seem to notice when they say something a bit out of line or inappropriate to the situation.
-This person also happens to be a writer, and because of their above mentioned non shyness, I have watched them apply for various writing related things, and receive horribly disheartening rejection letters that tell them to look into a different career path in so many words.
-This person seems to be wasting away their time in Paris, only thinking (and complaining) about how long it is until they get to return to their significant (if it is possible for a 19 year old to comprehend significant) other. There are no adventures, no making the best.
-I often wish I was a bit bolder, especially in social situations involving strangers that, quiet honestly, often leave me so mentally exhausted all I want to do is sleep for several days.
-I write quite a bit, but I share very little of my writing, specifically because I am not certain I would survive the heartbreak of letters like she has received. (I don't even update my blogs, despite the fact that I regularly write posts for them).
-I will not lie, I often spend hours shut away by myself, no matter where I am wishing that I were somewhere else, or at least with different people. I can sit like this for half a day at times, but when I pull myself out of this mood I write. (This is why my homework hardly ever gets done until the last possible moment).
Now, I also have it on good faith that this person writes "cheesy" love things filled to the brim with clichés (because I heard them admit it to their mother, I have not actually read any of their works), and I mean I love a good T-Swift love song as much as the next girl, but I often find myself feeling that her bold ability to send of her work to be criticized is wasted on a person who may not have any actual talent.
Then I feel like a horrible person.
Who is to say that I, for example, have more talent than she does?
I preach the values of being humble but once again I will not lie, I spend so much time imagining that I am "the shit" (aka really awesome/great) that sometimes I let myself believe it, especially if doing so allows me to differentiate between myself and another.
So all of this seems to me to be the reason why I just can't seem to make eye contact with this one person. I love looking into another persons eyes, I find that their reaction says a lot about them, but as I continue to over analyze this whole situation, I guess it is my reaction that speaks the loudest.
Today I learned that even me, with my sense of justice, equality, and general moral values, can be a total arrogant ass at times. Interesting. . .
Today, for the first time in my life I realized that there is someone that I just don't want to make eye contact with, for any reason. Now if you don't know me as well as I like to assume you do this is a big deal. I have a habit of letting my mind wander, but when I make eye contact with a person it helps me guarantee that I will not only hear, but listen to what they are saying, so I make lots of eye contact. Plus, most people squirm when you look them in the eyes which is always interesting, and it just generally respectful.
All of these reasons are important. The person in question is someone I have spent a decent amount of time with in the last few months, and today during an awkward moment of silence, and equally awkward conversation was started. As the conversation began to fall back into the silent version of awkward, to avoid this I started telling a pointless but relevant story. While I was speaking I realized that I was looking everywhere but at the person I was talking to, so I turned my head enough to make eye contact but quickly realized that I had spent only a fraction of the moment making eye contact before focusing my gaze out the window.
Frankly, I was a bit appalled and definitely shocked by my subconscious desire to avoid eye contact at all costs. But, as the matter was quickly implanting itself on my consciousness, I tried again with a bit more success, still it was a hardly noticeable gaze and definitely not eye contact.
I quickly finished my story so that I could retreat into my own head and think things through.
I decided that while there are several reasons why it makes me so uncomfortable to make eye contact with this person, one reason seems mostly to blame. . .
Said person reminds me, quite a bit of me, but in all the ways that I wish they didn't.
-This person is awkward, but not shy in anyway, often making me feel embarrassed for them as they don't seem to notice when they say something a bit out of line or inappropriate to the situation.
-This person also happens to be a writer, and because of their above mentioned non shyness, I have watched them apply for various writing related things, and receive horribly disheartening rejection letters that tell them to look into a different career path in so many words.
-This person seems to be wasting away their time in Paris, only thinking (and complaining) about how long it is until they get to return to their significant (if it is possible for a 19 year old to comprehend significant) other. There are no adventures, no making the best.
-I often wish I was a bit bolder, especially in social situations involving strangers that, quiet honestly, often leave me so mentally exhausted all I want to do is sleep for several days.
-I write quite a bit, but I share very little of my writing, specifically because I am not certain I would survive the heartbreak of letters like she has received. (I don't even update my blogs, despite the fact that I regularly write posts for them).
-I will not lie, I often spend hours shut away by myself, no matter where I am wishing that I were somewhere else, or at least with different people. I can sit like this for half a day at times, but when I pull myself out of this mood I write. (This is why my homework hardly ever gets done until the last possible moment).
Now, I also have it on good faith that this person writes "cheesy" love things filled to the brim with clichés (because I heard them admit it to their mother, I have not actually read any of their works), and I mean I love a good T-Swift love song as much as the next girl, but I often find myself feeling that her bold ability to send of her work to be criticized is wasted on a person who may not have any actual talent.
Then I feel like a horrible person.
Who is to say that I, for example, have more talent than she does?
I preach the values of being humble but once again I will not lie, I spend so much time imagining that I am "the shit" (aka really awesome/great) that sometimes I let myself believe it, especially if doing so allows me to differentiate between myself and another.
So all of this seems to me to be the reason why I just can't seem to make eye contact with this one person. I love looking into another persons eyes, I find that their reaction says a lot about them, but as I continue to over analyze this whole situation, I guess it is my reaction that speaks the loudest.
Today I learned that even me, with my sense of justice, equality, and general moral values, can be a total arrogant ass at times. Interesting. . .
Friday, February 10, 2012
Because sometimes I forget I'm not five.
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| The lego ninja I got for Christmas. I found him in my backpack and decided to put him together. |
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| My newest method of studying vocab; drawing pictures to match the phrases. |
Friday, September 30, 2011
"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more..."
Here's to birthdays spent across the pond,
and living life before it's gone.
I suppose.
and living life before it's gone.
I suppose.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
I miss the Kindergarden Days
I miss the Kindergarten days
When boys had cooties but could still be best friends with a girl.
When knowing the names of the craziest colors in the crayon box, and counting to 20 the fastest without skipping a number meant that you were the smartest.
When the kid who jumped the highest off the swing was king of the playground for the day.
When dumping sand out of your Velcro shoes before you reentered the class or the house was automatic.
When the biggest worries of the week consisted of accidentally tearing the edge of that picture you drew and jumbling lmnop in front of the class and the thought that tonight might be fish night.
When reading was fun because you never did it alone, and the adults always used funny yet reassuring voices.
When lunch was packed for you with an extra side of love and you knew that someone who was happy to see you would always be waiting for the bus to drop you off.
When everyday the excitement of learning something new brought a smile to your face and made the world seem like it too was waiting for you.
When the three dimes, one quarter and two pennies that got left on the edge of the coffee table suddenly become yours.
When the world seemed more complicated than ever, but your mind was certain that the only real problem was the boogy-man, but he’ll stay away if you leave on the nightlight.
I miss the kindergarten days, when the world was beautiful because the thoughts were simple.
Yeah, I miss the kindergarden days.
Yeah, I miss the kindergarden days.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Politics and people.
Lately I've come to acknowledge something I've known for a long time. Something that most everyone knows, but very few seem willing to acknowledge themselves.
What is this little bit of knowledge? If you mess up, if you're wrong or if you're just not right, if you go too far or not far enough, if something bad happens and it's your fault, things will get a lot better and work out much quicker if you are a good enough person to stand up in front of your peers and say "Hey, I was part of the problem, I messed up and I'm sorry for that. I hope you can forgive me and work towards helping me rectify the situation so as not to prolong the negative impact of my actions."
Bam.
Someone could forget to look behind them while backing out of a driveway and subsequently crush my leg under their tire, but I'd be a lot more willing to forgive them, and a lot less likely to sue them for their first born if they were to say this rather than making excuses like "Uhh, my stupid mirror wasn't adjusted properly, it's your fault for walking into my blind spot, I'm driving a Toyota, the breaks must be faulty!"
Now the reason I decided to post about this isn't because I'm about to enter some injury lawsuit, but rather because I am becoming increasingly disgusted by politics and media throughout the world. Now before I get a bunch of angry "Don't discuss politics in public!" emails, let me just say, I don't care who you vote for, if you believe in democracy or monarchy or anarchy, I don't care, that's your prerogative and that is not what this is about, this is about what I view as an unprecedented unwillingness of politicians, media, and people in general to accept that they could possibly be part of the problem.
I have paid a great deal of attention to presidential elections since I was like 12, and as a voting member of society I cast my vote for issues that are important to me, but I do NOT vote on matters which I find myself unable to pick an obvious "Good Side" or that I am just unable to understand. This means that I am not actually all that politically active because like most Americans I generally accept the steryotype that Politicians are not usually upstanding and good people. I only say this to give the reader a grain of salt, I am no wonderfully politically active person, and I am often so upset with all the bickering on news stations that I change the channel. This being said I will try not to talk too much about things I know nothing about.
What I do know, however, is that there has been a whole lot of he said she said drama going on around the world. Everyone is blaming everyone else, and when that doesn't work they blame Obama. The problem with this is that politics are starting to look a hell of a lot like a kindergarden playground brawl.
Shame is a huge motivator for people, it's a strong emotion and it is understandable that in times of pressure accepting the shame that comes with admitting you are wrong can be overwhelming thus causing you to point the finger at little Johnny because he "double dog dared you!" Wait what? you're not five? You've been instilled with a general set of morals, right and wrong, and the concept of being a bigger man? Well why didn't you say so?!
The world economy is tanking, and you are bat shit crazy if you think Obama, or Congress, or dictators, or famine in Africa, or the media, or banks, or whatever are solely responsible for what is happening. That's like saying George Washington was solely responsible for America winning its independence, which he wasn't. Washington was the face of the country at the time, and a big part of the brains yes, but it takes a village to raise a child, fight a war, or destroy an economy. Washington had numerous soldiers, he had women at home making bullets from candlesticks and darning socks. He had nurses figuring out how to remove shrapnel with always killing the patient, he had horses that carried riders ridiculous distances to give warning of impeding invasions. Essentially he had a lot of help. Same goes for the world as a whole now, no one person or group is brining us down.
Truth of the matter is that essentially every person alive has probably contributed to the down fall of the economy in some miniscule way, shape, or form, so technically we are all to blame. But that's not the big point. The point is that the people in charge act like it's their right to be in charge, not their privilege. They no longer care about being the bigger person and accepting blame or even finding a real solution because no one is holding them accountable.
Back to the playground scenario, the teacher isn't paying attention so while Johnny and the other kids know they could get in trouble, but haven't yet, so they are spending their time trying to peg the offense on someone else in hopes that when teacher comes to they won't be the one in time out. This results in back and forths, finger pointing, and lots of fear mongering "If you don't agree with me that Susie was the one who's at fault then you must be at fault too!" it's like Animal Farm, but with grown people who are too stubborn to admit that they could have been wrong.
News Flash: no person will EVER be 100% right 100% of the time, so why is it so unbelievably hard to admit that you are just human and made a mistake?
Once you stop acting like a five year old, take responsibility, and begin looking for a legitimate solution guess what? Things start to change! You might mess up again, you might make a mistake and it's very likely that you will have to apologize once more for messing up, but it will be worth it when you finally get it right.
Someone, most likely my dad, once told me this cheesy quote that's been used so much that I can't find who supposedly said it first. I use this quote almost every day, and recently I've begun following it's advice and things are going great, the quote is "Don't just talk about it, be about." Don't just talk about whose to blame, be about accepting your share of the blame. Don't just talk about how to find a solution, be about implementing a possible solution. Be about using educated decisions to make change instead of just talking about how much you want to change.
What do you think? Please feel free to leave comments below.
Thanks for reading,
Birdy (-:
What is this little bit of knowledge? If you mess up, if you're wrong or if you're just not right, if you go too far or not far enough, if something bad happens and it's your fault, things will get a lot better and work out much quicker if you are a good enough person to stand up in front of your peers and say "Hey, I was part of the problem, I messed up and I'm sorry for that. I hope you can forgive me and work towards helping me rectify the situation so as not to prolong the negative impact of my actions."
Bam.
Someone could forget to look behind them while backing out of a driveway and subsequently crush my leg under their tire, but I'd be a lot more willing to forgive them, and a lot less likely to sue them for their first born if they were to say this rather than making excuses like "Uhh, my stupid mirror wasn't adjusted properly, it's your fault for walking into my blind spot, I'm driving a Toyota, the breaks must be faulty!"
Now the reason I decided to post about this isn't because I'm about to enter some injury lawsuit, but rather because I am becoming increasingly disgusted by politics and media throughout the world. Now before I get a bunch of angry "Don't discuss politics in public!" emails, let me just say, I don't care who you vote for, if you believe in democracy or monarchy or anarchy, I don't care, that's your prerogative and that is not what this is about, this is about what I view as an unprecedented unwillingness of politicians, media, and people in general to accept that they could possibly be part of the problem.
I have paid a great deal of attention to presidential elections since I was like 12, and as a voting member of society I cast my vote for issues that are important to me, but I do NOT vote on matters which I find myself unable to pick an obvious "Good Side" or that I am just unable to understand. This means that I am not actually all that politically active because like most Americans I generally accept the steryotype that Politicians are not usually upstanding and good people. I only say this to give the reader a grain of salt, I am no wonderfully politically active person, and I am often so upset with all the bickering on news stations that I change the channel. This being said I will try not to talk too much about things I know nothing about.
What I do know, however, is that there has been a whole lot of he said she said drama going on around the world. Everyone is blaming everyone else, and when that doesn't work they blame Obama. The problem with this is that politics are starting to look a hell of a lot like a kindergarden playground brawl.
Shame is a huge motivator for people, it's a strong emotion and it is understandable that in times of pressure accepting the shame that comes with admitting you are wrong can be overwhelming thus causing you to point the finger at little Johnny because he "double dog dared you!" Wait what? you're not five? You've been instilled with a general set of morals, right and wrong, and the concept of being a bigger man? Well why didn't you say so?!
The world economy is tanking, and you are bat shit crazy if you think Obama, or Congress, or dictators, or famine in Africa, or the media, or banks, or whatever are solely responsible for what is happening. That's like saying George Washington was solely responsible for America winning its independence, which he wasn't. Washington was the face of the country at the time, and a big part of the brains yes, but it takes a village to raise a child, fight a war, or destroy an economy. Washington had numerous soldiers, he had women at home making bullets from candlesticks and darning socks. He had nurses figuring out how to remove shrapnel with always killing the patient, he had horses that carried riders ridiculous distances to give warning of impeding invasions. Essentially he had a lot of help. Same goes for the world as a whole now, no one person or group is brining us down.
Truth of the matter is that essentially every person alive has probably contributed to the down fall of the economy in some miniscule way, shape, or form, so technically we are all to blame. But that's not the big point. The point is that the people in charge act like it's their right to be in charge, not their privilege. They no longer care about being the bigger person and accepting blame or even finding a real solution because no one is holding them accountable.
Back to the playground scenario, the teacher isn't paying attention so while Johnny and the other kids know they could get in trouble, but haven't yet, so they are spending their time trying to peg the offense on someone else in hopes that when teacher comes to they won't be the one in time out. This results in back and forths, finger pointing, and lots of fear mongering "If you don't agree with me that Susie was the one who's at fault then you must be at fault too!" it's like Animal Farm, but with grown people who are too stubborn to admit that they could have been wrong.
News Flash: no person will EVER be 100% right 100% of the time, so why is it so unbelievably hard to admit that you are just human and made a mistake?
Once you stop acting like a five year old, take responsibility, and begin looking for a legitimate solution guess what? Things start to change! You might mess up again, you might make a mistake and it's very likely that you will have to apologize once more for messing up, but it will be worth it when you finally get it right.
Someone, most likely my dad, once told me this cheesy quote that's been used so much that I can't find who supposedly said it first. I use this quote almost every day, and recently I've begun following it's advice and things are going great, the quote is "Don't just talk about it, be about." Don't just talk about whose to blame, be about accepting your share of the blame. Don't just talk about how to find a solution, be about implementing a possible solution. Be about using educated decisions to make change instead of just talking about how much you want to change.
What do you think? Please feel free to leave comments below.
Thanks for reading,
Birdy (-:
Friday, July 15, 2011
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